Manly sexuality.

After years of trying to figure others out, perhaps it's time I start a little self-indictment. I've never been one to shy away from fingering the shortcomings of other people, especially other gay men. It's my 'gay' trait, even though other peeps may say that's one of many. I won't disagree, although I tend to think of myself as a 6 on the Kensington gay scale (the scale that measures gayness in every man, with 1 being a complete hetero, 10 being a complete homo), sometimes a 5, but only in 'manly' situations. Like sporting events. I deeply enjoy spending a day at a Braves game (not just to watch the guys in tight uniforms, that's just gravy) or an evening watching the Falcons lose (here's to hoping that changes!!!!!). And of course I breathe anything tennis related. But my sporting habits are growing ever larger and more encompassing. Pride fighting and it's subsidiaries (it has now teamed with the IFL) have me engrossed every weekend with their fresh and original take on hand to hand combat. Showcasing the beefiest, strongest fighters in the world with the rawest and most dangerous fighting techniques, Pride fighting highlight the levels to which men will stoop in order to proclaim themselves King of the Jungle, for where else would the mind numbing, skull cracking, bone shattering happenings inside the legal street fighting ring be acceptable? From flying, roundhouse kicks administered to swollen cheeks to devastating gloveless fisticuffs to the torso, this brand of street fighting is only replicated in a video game. Poker is another 'sport' I've taken a liking too, although I've called it less than in other places so I'll stick to that. Poker isn't a sport it's a hobby, but try telling that to good old ESPN, the sports network dedicated to remaking the sports industry. Why else would they define darts and cheerleading and poker as sports when clearly they are not?

Which leads me to the main point. I'm feeling less and less like a gay man, even though that epitaph has described at least the active half of me since I was able to differentiate between straight and gay tendencies. For men, at least in this country, defining and living up to their sexuality is one of the highpoints of being a man. Society still tilts in men's favor, providing a double standard whenever it can get away with it, from sports to work to sex. Gay men tend to not be chronicled with the greater, firmer, straight laced American male population, but that's due to the American straight male's overcompensating aversion to the 'threat' posed by gay men, which is nil, and not to the overwhelming similarities between the two. But therein lies the problem; at the core, the only real separating factor between gay and straight men is the person in which they choose to have relations with. Everything else is perhaps too similar for the average American straight man to handle, from the rampant promiscuity to the inability to maintain lasting, fruitful, respectful relationships. Of course there are exceptions to every rule, but in the case of American men in general, it isn't inappropriate to group us in one big slothful, selfish lot.

Twice I have had the opportunity to engage in a lasting, respectful, loving relationship only to come up short in both. And for pretty much the same reasons did both relationships die, and in pretty much the same fashion. Self sabotage. Both instances were in part ruined by lies and deceit, lies so petty and inane they warrant only the brief mention here. Lies that would not have caused any disruption for the status quo had they simply been revealed by me before other means could do so. If I had just come clean about the instances that mattered not at all in the long run, perhaps the demise of the relationships would have come at a later date, perhaps not at all. For it is the cheap, quick lies that often do us in, hardly ever do the big ones catch up to us because we spend all of our time making sure the big ones, the lies that would cost us a great deal, never see the light of day. It has been my unlucky position to have not learned from the first set of relationship mishaps, so much so that the pattern was repeated with the same results. Am I now to lay the blame of my own failings and faults at the doorstep of the gay nation and it's constituents and constitution? I could, but it would slide off as surely as rain slides from a clean car windshield. For only the loony expect different results from the same actions. So in my own way, I purposely sabotaged the second relationship, if not the first, for reasons I have to conclude are related to the continuing foreignness I feel for the gay nation and all it entails. For one, I hate drag queens. The sound of a singing chica, doled up in tons of make-up, poured into an evening gown fit for a court jester doesn't in any way satiate my comedic hunger. I find them mildly repulsive, similar to the way a run over rodent, split and convulsing on the hot, sticky tarmac from being smashed underneath two tires, appeals to my senses. For two, I hate the established gay scene, especially that which encircles gay friendly cities. And three, there's just not much about the gay scene that is appealing to me, and I'm not sure where to lay the blame for that. Not sure that any blame needs to be appointed...

I'm pretty sure my mixed feelings concerning my gayness and the gayness of others stems from my unwillingness to accept the stigma that is automatically attached to the gay referendum. It is still very much acceptable to make fag and gay jokes; hate crime legislation that would have made it illegal and unacceptable to base crimes on sexuality was voted down in the Senate after a very narrow passing in the House. Reasons given; specific legislation to protect gays is unfair to those left out of the bill's wording, namely children and women, two groups who already have substantial support in that area. Gays are routinely demoted to second class citizens, from the outdated and harmful Military ban to outright discrimination in the workplace. Perhaps to fully acknowledge my gayness and the part it plays in my life would mean having to accept responsibility for making a change. And perhaps I'm not at that point yet...